The post where Megan tries to explain why we're not buying a baby....


So I got the following anonymous (which I find really annoying, why won't people sign their names to their opinions?) comment on this blog and it seems some education is in order.

"Anonymous said... Of course you "buy" the baby. Do you think there aren't kids for adoption in the USA? But if you want all the requirements that the celebs want, the only option is to go overseas and pay the price. This is no different that getting a mail order bride or a mail order groom. You can get one locally so you get one overseas. "

Okay I am going to start with the first part of this- "buying" a baby. We have been quoted with a price somewhere around $20,000 for this process. Quick side note... you probably paid the same amount of money if you had a child naturally. Think of all the hospital expenses, doctors visits too. This just puts things into perspective. But most of the money that we're paying will be for our travel to China to pick up Olivia, tours through the forbidden cities, meals, translators, etc. We will probably have to fly to a different region of China after we land in Beijing and then will have to travel again to Guangzhou to the American consulate.

Another good chunk of the money has been our paperwork. We have filled out medical, financial, autobiographies, etc. and these have all been notarized, authenticated and verified at the State and consulate levels. We had a social worker follow up and analyze our documents, visit our house, meet with us a few times. Also very costly. We have paid around $600 to have our I-171s filled out and fingerprints taken through Dept of Homeland Security. And those will probably expire 2 more times before we go to China. (There is a current push to notify our congress people about this slow down in China and to try to extend the deadline). The only time that we hand over money in China will be when we pay the orphanage head $3000 for the care of our daughter. She will probably be 12 -15 months old and I don't mind paying that to insure that Chinese orphans (and there are a lot of them) have a place to go and receive good care and that there is money to run the adoption system in China.

Okay... on to the next sentence of the comment " Do you think there aren't kids for adoption in the USA?"

Yes we do. We know there are and it breaks my heart. Frankly, the domestic adoption program in the US (what I know of it) scares me*. There is a lot of uncertainty... the wait is longer, the kids can be much older, many more are open adoptions- where you have contact with birth families (which I hear can be great for all involved). Also the birth families "bill of rights" dictates that they get to select the adoptive families. Again, the idea of someone flipping through our file looking at our pictures trying to decide if we are good enough for their child- it doesn't seem like a fair and timely process (to me), and there are no guarantees. In China, we know we are guaranteed to be referred a child in a timely manner and that as long as we meet the requirements, we will be matched together with our family. After going through years of infertility, what we want as adoptive parents is a guaranteed family. I cannot take possible rejection by birth parents, or a placement that may not stick. And that is one of the reasons we're going to a country where children have been abandoned and so we know Olivia will stay with us.

* And I'm not even talking about adoption through foster programs. This is an even wilder ride! Can you imagine taking care of a child that has been pulled away from their family, and they can go back and forth a bit, and then you have to petition for adoption?

And the third statement confuses me a bit "so if you want all of the requirements that celebrities want you go overseas and pay the price".

I don't know what celebrities want. Are they making a statement that to solve the problem, you take the people out of the situation and buy them a nanny and the world is a better place? I don't agree. And I am the first person to agree that the best family for a Chinese orphan is a Chinese family in China. Next best thing is a family of Chinese descent in another country and we are third on the list. Do I feel that it is a great thing for a kid to be picked up by Angelina Jolie and tossed into the growing brood she has while she jets around the world on the hunt for another one? Not at all. When you adopt one child you are helping exactly one child. But if the money that all the celebrities spend (on private jets alone!) was used to improve the conditions in those countries... what a better idea. I guess it is the "teach a man to fish" saying. It is my hope that one day the China program will shut down because these children aren't abandoned anymore, or if they are, they are adopted domestically. That is what is best for most of the stakeholders involved. Is it best for me personally? No, that would mean that is one less way I can have a child - and that is my problem.

I find the mail order bride/ groom comparison especially offensive. I guess I would say that the only way that would be comparable, would be if to meet someone and get married in the US, the process was that you had to fill out a lot of paperwork, get on a really long waiting list, wait for someone to choose you, possibly have a couple of these fall through, and maybe get someone who is quite a bit older than you thought and then you have a lot more issues, and maybe have to keep sending pictures of them to their old girlfriend/boyfriend.

Chris and I have talked about looking at domestic adoptions. And I am going to repeat my comment that we looked at a few programs and we chose what was right for us- not right for all people. I have met quite a few of my students who were adopted domestically and things worked out very well for them. We may look at a domestic program for our second child. It was not right for us for our first, because we needed a guaranteed outcome. I cannot do another cycle of IVF, pump myself full of the drugs, go through the emotional roller coaster, and put all my hopes on having one good egg this time around. I also can't do a private adoption where at the last minute a birth mother changes her mind and we are shut out. We want to be parents and we want a child that we can love and not have 4 more years of uncertainty about. China is not as predictable as we once thought... and that hurts- the slowing down, the difficulty in making plans more than 6 months out- it is very emotionally draining. But we keep our fingers crossed that 2 years from now we will finally be a family.

Sorry to get up on my soap box. And I am sure I have misstated something in my preceding rant. This process has been very educational for us and we learn more and more every day. I wish people would try to learn a bit before they throw out judgmental statements like this anonymous commenter did to us. I know that the increase of celebrity adoptions has put the programs under scrutiny and I expect to answer questions about it. But please try to be sensitive about it. You may not know us, or our journey and how we arrived at this decision. I don't walk up to pregnant women and ask them if they know there are plenty of children in the US to adopt. Why is it different for the rest of us?

Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers out there! (Birth moms, adoptive moms and moms-to-be!)